How to Get Boatloads of Traffic to Your Site (aka Kidnap the Cat)

Don't Give in to the Look - Kidnap the Furrball!!

We all want traffic to our sites with people waving their wallets,spending money and looking for the PayPal button.   SEOs would have you say it takes time and effort but actually it is actually really easy and now the secret is finally out and I am going to do the big reveal like in one of those reality TV shows.

Kidnap The Cats of Social  Media Experts

Mail all the social media experts who claim to be experts in blogging and social media and tell them that you are stone cold broke and need some backlinks.  When they refuse (which of course they will)  kidnap their cats.

All social media experts own cat,  its part of the job description. And most have more than one.  So go to their house and kidnap the moggy and then hold  it to ransom.  DM them that you have the cat and unless they start spreading your link(s) the cat will get it (no point in email they don’t do email).  Ask for a few  thousand dollars as well (for implementing later tip).

The links and money will flow in believe me.  They love their cats.  Oh and when you get the links just throw the cat out the back door. It’ll find its own way home and save you the shipping

Infiltrate Google.com

If this doesn’t work then find out who can edit the google.com search page for the US.  Hang out in the local bars around Google headquarters and eventually after many beers and shots (see this can be fun) you will eventually bump into the all powerful Ninja Wizard who owns this page.  Someone must own it – who else puts up those goofy images to celebrate inventions and birthdays?  Start by buying them the occasional beer, move on to shots  then go for  the compromising photo of them using Bing.  Bribe them to get the ftp details and replace the search button with the link to your site.

Even the 3 minutes there will be of use.  Then Google will blacklist you forever but by then you will be on the  lecture circuit and people will be buying you beers.

Break into CNN’s data centre

This comes under Advanced SEO and is in the Ebook but I give it away for free in today’s post.  Get a box set of Mission Impossible and cram for a bit.  Then break into CNNs data centre and hack their website and put your link sublty on the home page.  You should use this if the Google one didn’t work and you ran out of money at the bars.

One Thousand T-Shirts

Get 82 thousand t-shirts made with your URL on it and stand outside the local football, ice hockey, soccer stadium  next Sunday and hand them out.  Nobody throws T-Shirts away.  Typical printed t-shirt costs approx 5 euro/dollars  (you will get a bulk deal and you will also have the cat ransom money to kick start the purchase).  Make sure you check the weather forecast as this could seriously backfire it it rains as even if they do wear them these are cheap muck t-shirts and the dye will probably run so could be a PR disaster.

If All Else Fails

If all else fails write ridiculous posts on your blog and hope people retweet them and like them on Facebook.  It’s a long shot but you never know.  What would you do anyway.  Comments below.

Author Disclaimer

1. The Author would never kidnap anyone’s cats and actually does not really like cats.
2. He also cannot afford the flight to Google HQ let alone weeks of buying beer and shots
3. Where is CNN’s data centre and Mission Impossible is crap and not a good learning movie.
4. One Thousand T-Shirts isn’t enough and is actually probably a seriously good idea and any T-Shirts I would give would NOT run.

Related posts:

1. Cost Benefit Analysis – AKA Common Sense
2. Content for Your Site
3. 5 Items that Everyone Should Have on Their Site